The clingers

They start with an odd sms or call here and there. “Friendship is the most important ship; Friends accept each other with their faults (gotcha!)” and some such exquisite hyperbolic nonsense. If you are stupid enough to respond, God be with you. (I will come to the detailed account of the consequences later.) But in all fairness, you just think it is sweet on their part to try and keep in touch or remember you. And if you are the kind to never call anyone without a reason, your guilty mind would keep tickling you till you reply.

Very slowly (so obviously you do not notice it), the odd calls have snowballed. You are now the proud recipient of mushy smses, chat invitations, and frantic “where have you been” calls. I once managed to dodge some calls from a clinger for 2 days (Again, I will come to the how later). The third day I got a message “Where have you been for the past 2 days?”. Ok, now I have been always unable to answer this particular question from a clinger. Do you say “I have been around and still not responding to calls because I did not want to” or do you say “Where do you think goofus, avoiding you !@$#@#$%” by heeding your general sentiment. But of course, being the sweet human being that I am, I responded with the way I knew best. I lied of course. First mistake. Never lie to clingers. Because by the end of the conversation, I was pretty sure my nose had grown atleast a couple of inches. Of course, at times like these you also realize what an amazing imagination you have been gifted with. Because, honestly, once I started, it was hard to stop. I created not just fictitious situations, but also fictitious uncles and cousins.

But ok, so you have managed to pacify him for the moment. (Ok, now the gender bias for the clinger reference is entirely justified, for reasons I refuse to get into. I am not being a sexist, honest.) Now here’s the catch. For the clinger, the friend”ship” has withstood the storm of a minor misunderstanding. Which means that suddenly you are entitled to a detailed description of his weekend trips, work/colleague troubles, family functions---you get the general drift here, don’t you?

And mind you, if it is a weekend narrative, it is not just a “I went there” kind of conversation. It starts with when he got up that fateful day and how the sky appeared from his window. That you do not care is beyond this person’s defunct logic. But to be fair to him, you are not trying too much to stop his verbal assault, are you (read: guilt from the previous unanswered calls)? But according to me, the most amazing part is that, at the end of the very comprehensive description, you have trouble remembering your own name, let alone the exotic place that he went vacationing to.


The clinger, in his every conversation, will put in extra effort to represent himself as the soul of sensitivity. Now that’s extra-ordinarily funny, because, in every conversation that happens between you and his clingy highness, you hardly seem to get a word in. And if you manage to (firstly, congratulations), he will change the topic so fast, he could give pointers to talk show hosts. So, basically, all you are doing is nodding your head to a monologue that, given an option, you could have lived blissfully without. Clingers are such horribly bad listeners, you would be better off with your deaf grandparents. Atleast you know they sincerely cannot help it. Come to think of it, I guess the clingers can’t help it either. Self-centered without knowing it, welcome to clinger-land.

Although, admittedly, in certain (probability being very low) cases, there could be a few advantages in knowing a clinger. Absolutely unintentionally, he would let you know of something that he did wrong. (This character will do very less intentional good for the better of the society.) This could be especially useful in a workplace. From him, you could get a first-hand account of whom not to know, and what not to do, and most importantly, how not to do it. But again, it is up to you to perfect the art of filtering out relevant information from the endless extraneous data that he showers you with.

So now, how do you deal with these types? As improbable as it sounds, there are solutions.

The ruthless one—Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop harassing you. Fast and painless (for you, of course). Now, it is very obvious that this option could make you a, well, an expletive that combines an animal and an opening. But honestly, after such torture, do you even care?

The diplomatic one—Having an imagination always helps, therefore if you don’t, cultivate it. Formulate a personal problem that makes it perfectly reasonable for you to act like a jerk. And then, the high point of this plan. Say you need time to sort out things. I obviously need not mention here that refrain from mentioning any time frame in which you could possibly solve your imaginary crisis. If the clinger asks, resist the urge to say “not till you are alive”. Patience is the key.

The softie one—This one runs the risk of slowly depleting your brains. But if you are, or aspire to be the quintessential nice guy, this one’s for you. So what you do here, is that you do respond to calls, but in monosyllables, hoping that sooner or later, the clinger is going to get bored of being the one doing all the typing (smses, chats etc.).

And a last piece of advice for your general peace of mind: Stop feeling guilty. It’s not your fault you are normal.